My first post. Hmmm … intimidating yes … but kind of exciting too. Of course, I haven’t made this public yet so no one is here yet to talk to. Soooo …
A meaningful Conversation with My Umbrella
Umbrella, what if the world didn’t come crashing down around you if you were to disclose personal information on the internet? What if the government didn’t start following you and controlling your life covertly if they knew some personal information about you? Perhaps all the bullies in your life — past and present — wouldn’t care because they’re too caught up in their own shit-show. Your siblings, gloves, and sunglasses, certainly don’t give a shit. Is it possible, umbrella, that I can be authentic and honest out here and still be safe?
I say fuck it! Let’s find out.
I’m a 54-year-old father, son, husband, friend, brother (literally and within the context of this forum), IT Director, sailor, photographer, and casual designer. Being an umbrella, I imagine you don’t have the same kinds of interests. Still, you strike me as being a good listener.
The Winter makes me sad and I have difficulty expressing that. I grew up in a rural area in Central New York in a divorced home. My mother is a sadist and my father and brothers wanted nothing to do with me. I am artistic and use humor to circumvent real emotional work but in lieu of having those skills honed, I feel it’s a more workable alternative, if even temporarily.
I fashion myself as decidedly cynical but, in truth, I’m very deeply connected with others. I trust habitually, with the exception of people who seem to not know themselves very well, but use the inevitable occasional betrayal that happens in life as a means to justify my cynicism. I’m hurt easily but the flippant irreverent demeanor protects me — or so I think.
I Covet the Empath who can talk to Klingons with ease
I covet the empath who can connect to others without hesitation but fear — or perhaps distrust — my own inherent fine-tuned skill in that regard. Do you find that to be true for you, umbrella? I’m conflicted in a number of meaningful ways that offer endless opportunities to study myself and others.
Humans and social psychology fascinate me though I’ve never endeavored to understand it beyond my own experience to any depth. I value my curiosity about behavior and use it to understand things better. This is, again, for protection. I suppose I spend a good amount of my life in fear of … something. Something yet undefined but still monumentally influential in my conclusions and assessments.
I am very uncomfortable around men who are confident in their presentation. I’m intimidated by confidence in others and it triggers me to be defensive but I’ve learned to see that trigger and reroute it. I have difficulty trusting people who have an obvious blind spot and I expect they will hurt me with their absence of self-awareness.
My wife and I have been married 31 years this year and we love to travel though we haven’t done so in the last few years due to serious medical issues with her. My son is 25 and works at the State Senate. He just returned to Graduate school which was an emotional challenge for him. He and I have always had a healthy relationship and I want to think I helped him with that decision.
I’m overweight and have hypertension. It’s unclear to anyone if it’s a result of the weight or the ineffective stress response I’ve habituated over a lifetime of unmet expectations. I love lists and bullet points. I mean I REALLY love bullet points. They clear up confusion when getting a concept across.
I have been the IT Director at a Science and Technology Museum for 20 years this year. It’s become more routine than it used to be and the transformative challenges just aren’t there anymore but I continue because I’m both very much passionate about our mission and also afraid of financial insecurity. In light of my recent interactions with my son who is evolving nicely, I’ve concluded it is completely worth it to start this site if I’m to be authentic. To those ends, I’ve decided to start reaching out to others in a number of ways to connect and relearn what it means to be integrated into a broader motivation than my own again.
Don’t upset your umbrella
Clearly, I’ve upset my umbrella with this post. The take away here? No fucking clue. I can help, but you’ll have to come up with something on your own.